The Catcher in the Guy

The wife has got to make a meal out of everything. When

giving birth, most women are in and out in a few hours with

minimal whining, but the wife had to have 'complications'.

I can't remember the exact excuse she gave for her extended

three-day stay, I think it was something like a rupture, a

breach, or the bed had collapsed.

While the wife was living it up in the ward with a newborn and

a variety of painkillers, I was left home alone. As with all of life's

little problems, the solution lay at the bottom of a pint glass.

Unsurprisingly, my bank balance took a real beating, as I ended

up in a particularly expensive round ... barmaid.

My actions were perfectly justified as desperate times call for

desperate measures. Steve McClaren can empathise, he's

recalled Emile Heskey to the England squad.

Emile will always have supporters because of his size. Heskey

could easily be mistaken for the side of a house, only he's more

static. There's an often repeated fallacy that big men don't have

a good touch; with Emile, it's purely a coincidence.

A few shrewd footy observers have spoken of Heskey's improved

form over the past couple of years. This may well be true, but

he'll never be a Pele; although he does remain impotent on the

international stage.

England's midfield will also be under-strength. Owen Hargreaves

has joined Beckham and Lennon on the treatment table and

Frank Lampard has withdrawn with a thigh problem: he should

really have called it a day after a bucket of wings.

The goalkeeping position is also up in the air. McClaren is expected

to replace Paul Robinson with David James, which is like swapping

gonorrhea for piles. I accept that sometimes you have to go

backwards to move forward, but that only works for female drivers.

The England old boys are far too short at 4/11 against a capable

Israeli side; the draw is the only way to play at 7/2.

People are quick to have a go at the Scots, but if it wasn't for our

skirt-wearing neighbours, we wouldn't have television, the bicycle,

penicillin, the telephone, or ginger children. Those Sweaties will

try anything after a few swallies. I'll raise a glass of Buckfast and

Irn Bru to the 4/11 for a Scottish win over Lithuania.

'Robbie Keane football shirts' are currently the second-best selling

product in Ireland; only the enduring popularity of the potato-

peeler has kept them off top spot. The talismanic Keane can

inspire the Irish to a win in Slovakia at 15/8.

The German team are a lot like me this weekend; we're both

going to be pounding Wales. It'll be World War III if I miss out

on the 1/2 for Germany.

Thierry Henry must be devastated after his marriage officially

ended this week. The delightful Claire Merry cited 'unreasonable

behaviour' on her divorce petition, so naturally the judge gave

her a quickie. I'm separating the bookies from their cash by

backing Italy at 13/10 to take out the French.

If you believe the tabloids, Ronaldo, Nani, Anderson and a

'fat guy' have all been gorging on expensive tarts. I can confirm

that Wayne Rooney is definitely not the mysterious fourth party,

as he only gets involved when the pastry is slightly wrinkled.

I absolutely refuse to discriminate against the 4/9 for a Portugal

win over Poland.

I have no problem with Ronaldo celebrating last week's winning

accer by playing immoral ball-games; i just want to know if he

was throwing or catching. Scotland, Ireland, Italy and Portugal

form an 11/1 weekend accer that will hopefully lead to a definitive

answer.